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I am writing a college entrance essay and looking for advice.?

It has to be under 200 words, and the essay is described as such:Describe a setback you have encountered in your life. Explain how you have handled the situation and what you have learned from it. Here is what I have written:"Considering setbacks that I have encountered brings my mind back to a silent room. At fourteen years old, this was the most anticipation I had felt in my life. I had just taken a bold step and gave my mother a choice; me, or alcohol. Her answer evidenced her intoxication. I slowly left not knowing beforehand where to go, and then ran as fast as my body could carry me to the only place I could. Reliable friends lead me with a strategy. A police car pulled up to take me home just as we had planned, and the officer wanted to talk with my mother outside and alone. This left me in the room. Listening with all my efforts to hear what he could be saying, but the cold brick wall was not going to let any secrets though. Even the small mumbles where drowned out by the pounding of my heart. I didn’t know where this would take me, but I knew things had to change. This ended years of alcoholism and heartache. I came to appreciate the value of change. I learned it can come with a price, but it is worth the pain."

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3 Responses so far.

  1. biscuitroot says:

    In college, you’re expected to do your own essays and your own homework. I suggest you start now.

  2. hennin says:

    I think that it is very well written ….don’t let college essays scare you i didn’t work very hard on mine and I did just fine.But try to avoid cliches “I learned it can come with a price, but it is worth the pain”

  3. vampproof says:

    I suggest that Cherry Kool-aid not comment anymore on these statuses.Anyhow, your first sentence might flow better if you word it like this: “Considering all setbacks that I have encountered, it brings my mind back to that silent room one more.” Change “and gave my mother” to “and given my mother”. After choice, I think you would use a colon instead of semicolon, but I’m not 100% sure. Her answer was evidenced in her intoxication. Change “This left me in the room.” to something more like “I was then left alone in the room.” Change Listening to I listened. I’d combine the last part to this: “This ended the years of alcoholism and heartache, and I came to appreciate the value of change.” Maybe some of those grammatical changes could help you out some! Good luck!