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How does my essay sound?

For many years, I have desired to become an attorney. As a child, I would read children's books involving the justice system, such as those from the Science Court series. I loved learning about how lawyers, judges, and other officers of the court worked to make our justice system operate. I especially enjoyed reading about the lawyers. The methods they used to present their cases eloquently, and effectively piqued my interest and changed my view of them. Years ago, lawyers were considered to be pillars of their communities, and were revered by all, but the public’s view of lawyers has significantly deteriorated in recent years. Lawyers are now portrayed as being selfish, arrogant, and unsympathetic, but not all lawyers exhibit such reprobate characteristics. Most are hardworking people who are dedicated to upholding the law, and the rights of all those who are governed by it. In a profession full of corruption, and dishonesty, these individuals are willing to stand up for the tenets on which this country was founded: justice, truth, and morality. It is my wish to join them in the fight against malfeasance, and immorality within the legal profession. Hamilton College can give me the knowledge, and experience necessary to achieve this goal, with their extensive Pre-Law program, and internship opportunities, but financing a Hamilton education is a difficult task. This scholarship can help to make the tuition payments less burdensome. If granted this scholarship, I vow to help restore honor, and dignity to the legal profession.

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3 Responses so far.

  1. mallien says:

    As an English teacher, there are numerous problems with this essay. Lets stick with 2 of them. Firstly, an essay cannot be one paragraph. Secondly, you never use “I” or a direct reference to yourself in an essay.While I don’t know your age or grade, from a purely structural standpoint, I would give you a 57%.

  2. unitedness says:

    It’s okay, what is the question? I would suggest that you make sure you answer the question that was asked. Another suggestion I would make is to show examples. For instance, when you say lawyers used to be pillars of the community give an example to support your position. Again, when you you say most are hardworking people who are dedicatd to upholding the law show an example. Re-read your essay and you’ll see where to insert examples. Lastly, double check your grammar and try to eliminate excess commas, you don’t need one after the for many years. As a rule of thumb a comma should be placed where you take a pause when reading. The best way to utilize this technique is to read your essay out loud.

  3. preferent says:

    As a scholarship candidate your essay should be a positive reflection of your character, drive and passion to enter your profession. While I do agree with you that there are some blemishes in the legal field, it is still a very noble and highly regarded profession. What should stand out in your essay is: (1) Who inspired you to become a lawyer and why? (2) As a prospective college student, what do you hope to gain from the Hamilton experience. (3) What will your contribution be to your prospective field? ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS focus on the positive. Scholarships are an educational investment. Show them why you are worth the money.