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How can I make my thesis sounds better?





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I am working on my essay about the book "A Separate Peace"This is my thesis statement...At the beginning of the story, the boys are eager to join the military services; however, they later learn about the actual war, reality, and its effects, and nothing is the sameafter that realization. I use "and" 2 times in the last sentence and I want to make it sounds more formal and specific.Any suggestions?



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3 Responses so far.

  1. dilutee says:

    You can eliminate both of the “ands”, yet say the same thing, by editing as follows:At the beginning of the story, the boys were eager to join the military services; however, they later realized the actual truth of the devastating effect of war. Once it is experienced, nothing will ever be the same again. P. S. Good point!P. P. S. It wasn’t the pair of “ands” that gave the sentence a redundant quality, it was using the words “realized” and “reality” in the same sentence. That is why I replaced “reality” with “truth. By shifting the order of the words it was possible to communicate the same idea with a smoother flow.

  2. carditis says:

    There are a lot of commas that make it drag. Maybe instead of noting “at the beginning…” and then specifically stating “however, later…” you could just state somewhere that their opinion changes during the war.Maybe like… this?Despite their glorified, yet premature, impressions of the military, the boys’ (I would replace this word with soldiers, or -if it applies- protagonists/ character name) actual experience reveals the unfortunate reality of war; the repercussions of war alter both the physical world and the lives of everyone involved.

  3. nonprognostication says:

    At the beginning of the novel, the boys are eager to join the military services; however, they later learn about the actual war, its effects, and reality, realizing that nothing is the same.