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Can someone proofread this short 250 word essay and give me suggestions to make it better?

Dear Mr. President, I believe that music is essential for a complete education. Music is as important as reading, writing, and arithmetic. It serves as a cultural adhesive that binds people of diverse backgrounds and it is another level of expression of the human emotion. Music inspires learning: intellectual, emotional, physical, and social. Music encompasses reading, writing, and arithmetic. When writing a song, you must use your reading and writing abilities to transfer your thoughts to paper. You must also use your knowledge of math to write out the musical notation of a song. In addition, to perform a song correctly you must use all three skills to accomplish this. One of music’s abilities is to bring people together. It transcends cultural and ethnic boundaries. People are not limited to a certain genre because of their geographical differences. As a part of general education, music broadens the understanding of the underlying connection among all cultures.

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2 Responses so far.

  1. Hellenocentric says:

    You repeat the phrase “reading, writing, and arithmetic” too often. You also lack transitional sentences between paragraphs. Individually they are all well written but do not flow together. Also, I would remove the “I believe” from the beginning and simply state that music is essential…you wouldn’t be saying it if you didn’t believe it. The “I believe” is generally assumed. I would also avoid using the word “you.” You could say “Songwriters must use reading and writing abilities…”. Overall I thought it was well written and thoughtful.

  2. sutural says:

    I read it, thought it was good.