Home » Uncategorized » Help Me Please! I need some revision on this essay and I have no one to look over it if you gys could please..?

Help Me Please! I need some revision on this essay and I have no one to look over it if you gys could please..?





help, thank you!Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence. As my mom walks out the door, I kiss the necklace she has given me; I don’t think she knows this because I’ve never told her. I watch the clock tick and every minute that passes I know is one less that my mom will be at home, soon she will be leaving to work and I won’t be seeing her until I have to go to bed. I stand at the window watching her get into the car, praying to God that she will get there safe and as I wave I wish she didn’t have to leave. I’ve never met anyone that’s harder working than my mother, there are days where she only gets four hours of sleep, she never complains and the days she does I know that she’s had enough and that she needs to rest. My mother’s story begins in a small town in Guatemala. As her big shiny curls bounced, her rosy cheeks beamed at the light of the sun, and her flowery dress flew she skipped through the creek going to take lunch for my grandpa who had been at work since 6 A.M. in the morning. Sometimes she would leave but most of the time she would stay to help him milk the cows, pick out fruit, or clean up any mess that was around. It’s in this same place where my mother holds many of her memories and where she took adventures climbing up the big mango trees that had a beautiful view. My mom has always been the type of person to find small things as being the greatest, and that’s where I think I’ve found my love for creating small things into the most extraordinary, like my diary that I always carry in my backpack.My mom’s life though has not always been a beautiful sight, but instead a road with some obstacles and opportunities that have made her into the strong women she is today. At the age of eighteen she started working and since that moment she has not rested. The number five describes my mother because that is the hour she has woken up for more than twenty years. Her first job was in Guatemala City, as a secretary in the congress, where she was able to gain lots of experience and where she had been given many opportunities, such as traveling to other countries and going to college. She was never able to go out of the country because my grandfather never allowed her. She regrets not taking those trips because she wished she could have visit, learned, and experienced the cultural life of others. She has taught me that knowing other cultures is really important and that when opportunities come my way I should take them because it won’t do me any harm instead it will help me to grow as a person. The number five like my mother describes me because that’s the time I get up in the morning when she has to leave, the hour I start my homework, and the number of hours I see my brothers. With my mom working so much I’ve gained responsibilities at home those being taking care of my brothers, making them dinner, making sure they do homework, take a bath, wash the dishes, and getting them to bed on time. Even though I have so much in my plate my mother has taught me that school is my first priority, she’s been my strength and my motivation to do good in school. My father left when he found out my mother was pregnant and she’s had to raise me on her own without his help. She’s never implied any anger towards him, but instead I think this gave her the courage, the strength, and the perseverance to always keep her head held high. I know this was a hard time for my mother she felt as a turtle in her own shell trying to make things better for her daughter. Like my mother I’ve felt as a turtle when I came to this county everything seemed cloudy, rocky, and a road with not too many rainbows. I was angry at myself for not knowing the language, for not knowing how to do work, but my mother was always there holding my hand telling me that I had to keep hope and have the strength to accept anything. this is the essay i've written so far its for my college admission and its due tomorrow night..Help please! any ideas are welcomed.



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2 Responses so far.

  1. executing says:

    Well, yahoo killed it. Would not let me paste the revision. But u can see it on [external link] .But i put spacing in front of each topic sentence. Which BTW, the topic sentence should be strong enough to read just itself and you have a clear idea about what the paragraph is about. Try to stay away from contractions. Each essay should be double spaced in between sentences and hard spaced (like 1) between paragraphs. Elaborate more on your story, you have some great points but tend to drift. The main thing is not length or anything, it is primarily a clear and coherent piece where you have a good controlling purpose (telling about your strength in your mom), topic sentences, mla style formatting, etc. Good luck and if you need anymore help, there is usually a writing center in each university or other help online. I know you probably have to be a student for an appointment, but if you go in there unannounced and explain your situation, 9 times out of 10 they will help you because they know what it is like. Very touching story, and great motivation. I wish you luck, I’m sure you will get in, These things are more protocol anyways, and as long as you exercise basic skills and coherence, you should be fine! :P

  2. nason says:

    *indent* As my mom walks out the door, I kiss the necklace she has given me; I don’t think she knows this because I’ve never told her. I watch the clock tick and every minute that passes I know it is one less that my mom will be at home, soon she will be leaving to work and I won’t be seeing her until I have to go to bed. I stand at the window watching her get into the car, praying to God that she will get there safe and as I wave I wish she didn’t have to leave. I’ve never met anyone that’s harder working than my mother. There are days where she only gets four hours of sleep, however, she never complains and the days she does I know that she’s had enough and that she needs to rest.My mother’s story begins in a small town in Guatemala. As her big, shiny curls bounced, her rosy cheeks beamed at the light of the sun, and her flowery dress flew she skipped through the creek going to take lunch for my grandpa who had been at work since 6 A.M. in the morning. Sometimes, she would leave, but most of the time she would stay to help him milk the cows, pick out fruit, or clean up any mess that was around. It’s in this same place where my mother holds many of her memories and where she took adventures climbing up the big mango trees that had a beautiful view. My mom has always been the type of person to find small things as being the greatest, and that’s where I think I’ve found my love for creating small things into the most extraordinary, like my diary that I always carry in my backpack. My mom’s life though has not always been a beautiful sight, but instead a road with some obstacles and opportunities that have made her into the strong women she is today. At the age of eighteen she started working and since that moment she has not rested. The number five describes my mother because that is the hour she has woken up for more than twenty years. Her first job was in Guatemala City, as a secretary in the congress, where she was able to gain lots of experience and where she had been given many opportunities, such as traveling to other countries and going to college. She was never able to go out of the country because my grandfather never allowed her. She regrets not taking those trips, because she wished she could have visited, learned, and experienced, the cultural life of others. She has taught me that knowing other cultures is really important and that when opportunities come my way I should take them because it won’t do me any harm. Instead it will help me to grow as a person. My mother also describes me as the number 5, because that’s the time I get up in the morning when she has to leave, the hour I start my homework, and the number of hours I see my brothers. With my mom working so much I’ve gained responsibilities at home those being taking care of my brothers, making them dinner, making sure they do homework, take a bath, wash the dishes, and getting them to bed on time. Even though I have so much on my plate, my mother has taught me that school is my first priority, she’s been my strength and my motivation to do good in school. My father left when he found out my mother was pregnant and she’s had to raise me on her own without his help. She’s never implied any anger towards him, but instead I think this gave her the courage, the strength, and the perseverance to always keep her head held high. I know this was a hard time for my mother she felt as a turtle in her own shell trying to make things better for her daughter. Like my mother, I’ve felt as a turtle. When I came to this country everything seemed cloudy, rocky, and a road with not too many rainbows. I was angry at myself for not knowing the language, for not knowing how to do work, but my mother was always there holding my hand telling me that I had to keep hope and have the strength to accept anything. * That was a very powerful, and moving story and im glad i got to feel that experience with you, however, not all punctuation was correct so i made some revisions for you, make sure you read this carefully so you get it all right!* (: