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I wrote my college admission essay, can you check it, it would be a really big help to me?





The summer of 2008 my mother passed away. It was a hard thing to comprehend, I didn't understand how someone could pass away at the age of 45, and out of all people to pass away... it had to be my mother? How could this be? She was so young. I thought it was usually only the elderly who pass away, due to "natural causes" until this experience happened to me first hand. I saw it all happen. I was in the hospital with her and minutes later the doctors stampeded in and said "I’m sorry it’s too late, she’s passed on." Those were the 8 dreaded words I hoped to never hear. Those words were stabbed into my heart and I will never forget them. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breath, I felt suffocated. I had never felt such pain and heartache in my entire life. I never thought that I would ever loose my mother so soon. I had always pictured a life that I would spend with her having good times, and making memories to treasure forever. Through friendship and family guidance, I finally coped with the loss of my beloved mother, and learned not to mourn over the tragic times and losses, but to re-live the great times through memories and photos. My mother was very sick and had many problems with her liver, seeing her depressed, weary, and tired all the time was upsetting and frustrating to see because I knew she was in pain. Even though no one physically said it, I knew my time to spend with my mother would slowly cease. I would treat every day as if it was our last to see each other. And I cherished every moment we spent together. My mother was a strong women and I could only hope, one day to be as strong as she was. She influenced my life. And even though she has passed on, she will always continue to be my hero. Although I cannot change the past, I can alter my future. I see my mom’s death now as in inspiration. She taught me everything I know, she taught me how to be caring, how to have a good time, and taught me to become a better person, while at the same time, embracing and accepting the person who I am. With this experience I know now how important it is to actually be there to comfort somebody, and to be there when they need me the most. From this experience I learned how not to take things for granted, because one never knows when they are about to loose everything they’ve ever had. Life is short, so I am going to live mine the best I possibly can. This experience has inspired me to join social groups and help others cope with their troubles and their losses. No one in life has it easy, however by expressing myself through speaking, taking life one day at a time, and living in the present, it makes me feel that I can accomplish almost anything. I hope one day to be an inspiration to others. I want to be a role model that people can look up to. I want to be there for others when they need a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on. Just like my mom was for me.



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3 Responses so far.

  1. supersacrifice says:

    Great job ! It is beautiful , moving , and lets people know that you will succeed if given the opportunity . I can certainly empathize with you having lost my father at a very early age . You handled it a lot more maturely than I did . You are a courageous young lady with high morals and are respectful . I taught English in high school for 23 years and kids today don’t care a hoot about anything, but its awsome that you do . You will make a huge difference in many lives . Good luck and God bless you .

  2. clarities says:

    In the first part don’t use passed away that many times, I would take out 8 dreaded words and use those were the last words i ever expected to hear or him to say, add something to she influenced my life, it is too short of a sentence, and don’t start the next sentence with And, you wrote loose everything they’ve ever had instead of lose everything they’ve had. I think its a great essay but I would take it to an English teacher for them to look over just one more time before you send it in!

  3. sevalia says:

    If you want your college admission to be a sob story, and you want them to accept you based on pity, then send it in. It all depends on the assignment. But I don’t think most colleges accept applicants by sob story and pity party.