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Grade my SAT essay? Prompt: Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power?

Here's my essay:Conscience is what guides us in life, and it has a great impact on the decisions we make. Therefore, I believe that it is a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power. Examples from history such as Rosa Parks and George Bush have proven this.Rosa Parks risked punishment and jail for refusing to give up her seat on the bus because she felt it was the right thing to do. There were no ulterior motives of money, fame, or power; she was just simply tired of segregation. When the bus driver ordered a row of blacks on the bus to give up their seats, Rosa was the only one who did not obey. She did not do this to gain fame or power; she wanted to voice her opinion that segregation was unjust and should be outlawed. Indeed, she was successful through her non-violent protests. Despite her arrest, Rosa Parks made people aware to fight for equal rights and end segregation. Her actions showed that conscience is a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power.The USA PATRIOT Act, passed by George Bush after the terrorist attack on the World Trade Center on September 11, was also purely an act of conscience. In order to prevent from terrorism, he finally decided to pass this PATRIOT Act even though many people were against it. The PATRIOT Act enhanced security procedures and allowed the government to conduct secret searches and surveillances. Many people believed this violated their rights, but Bush believed this was the right thing to do, regardless of the public opinion. His actions showed that conscience is a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power.In conclusion, conscience is what tells us what’s right and wrong in life, and Rosa Parks and George Bush have shown through their actions that conscience is a more powerful motivator than money, fame, and power. Word Count: 315Please grade on a scale of 0-12 Also, I'd appreciate your feedback!Here's what I thinkI don't think my conclusion is long enough, what could I do to lengthen it?Also, you have probably noticed that the concluding sentence of my body paragraphs are the same... I didn't know what to do when I was writing but I couldn't think of anything else because I was afraid it would be irrelevant, what could I write instead?I was afraid it would be too irrelevant if I didn't repeat "rosa parks didn't to this or that for money and fame, she followed her conscience" over and over. do you think it's relevant?THANKS SOOOOOOO MUCH

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One Response so far.

  1. Viperidae says:

    I think your essay is great, but you’re correct: your conclusion is a repeat.So why not address people who *are* motivated by greed, fame, and power?You could say something like, “While there is no doubt that some people, such as Ron Blagojevich, appear to have no conscience at all, the vast majority of people are motivated by conscience and not corruption.You might also add a short paragraph about ol’ Ron, currently in jail…:)