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How does does my short essay sound?





The prompt is, Discuss the subjects in which you excel or have excelled. To what factors do you attribute your success? My answer:Most of my successes are branched out in different categories from geography to softball to geometry. My achievements were because of my own personal successes and growth.I have always excelled in my English and Social Study classes. I have a natural regard for literature. I easily understand historical and fictional stories by understanding the motivations behind peoples decisions or being able to read in between the lines to see the changes in a story’s plot. Although in math class, I was not able understand the numbers as well as I did the words in English. Upward Bound, a college prep program, has helped me tremendously in my math by offering an extra math class and tutoring on Saturdays and an extraordinary math teacher I will never forget who helped me see the numbers and equations in the form of a story. I achieved my first success in math and was awarded a progress award. Since then my knowledge in math has strengthened along with my skills in other subjects. I attribute my academic success to Upward Bound for providing me the foundation to stand on and partly to my own growing confidence in my abilities. I have endurance and certainty when trying something new and that is why I have found success in them. I had the courage to join softball in a summer program even though I had never played the game. I offered what ever I could to the sport and progressed until the coach began to see potential in me. I won outstanding female softball athlete that summer. I learned that anything was possible when you worked for it.What I'm worried about:Does it flow?Does everything connect? Is one statement elaborated on more in another sentence?Did i leave something out when i explained and it sounds flawed?Does everything make sense?



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One Response so far.

  1. Tosk says:

    “My achievements were because of” . .. is a very bad sentence. It sounds like a letter you are writing, if I was you I wouldn’t even write anything about math, no sense in making yourself look bad. Plus, the comment on math is kind of off topic. You sound intelligent, but I must say this: your writing is kind of bouncy. You should start off with a strong, broad opening statement that serves as an introductory to what you are about to say so that everything else doesn’t seem random. Know what I mean? So I would start like “I am successful because of my exceptional motivation to succeed. The main subjects I excel most in are geography, softball, and geometry (you are directly addressing the topic question here). Etc. These are just some ideas, keep it the way you have it if you want.