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Please Read My College Essay?

ok just comment, please ignore any grammar mistakes, as those can be fixed, if you find the quality of the first paragraph differ from the rest, its ok because my tutor edited that part lol, and the conclusion is not finished. Timidity and apprehensiveness, when not fully understood or recognized, can be interpreted as arrogance and bluster. This false impression of pomposity may hinder communication and delay genuine camaraderie. As a naïve Chinese émigré of eight, I mistakenly made an incorrect choice, in my attempt to quickly adapt to American society. Having had some exposure to western-style entertainment and gastronomic delights, mostly through the medium of television, I adopted the persona that I felt would carry me through the initial awkward stages of assimilation. Unfortunately, my efforts proved lacking, leaving me quite isolated because of language and cultural barriers. As I grew more distant from my new classmates, I increased my facade of boastfulness, constantly seeking recognition; ironically, my approach served only to intensify my exclusion. I credit Ryan Kwan, a Camp Challenge guest speaker, with imbuing in me the confidence to relinquish my pretentiously unnatural pose, an inspiration that allowed me to reveal my genuine self and to be, finally, truly welcomed by my peers. Initially unenthusiastic about attending a sleep-away camp, wherein I would be escalating my torment of not fitting in, I agreed to attend Camp Challenge Christian retreat. The first preaching session began, as Ryan, wearing stereotypical thick black Asian glasses, plaid button-downs, and casual straight-legged jeans, strolled into the worship hall and greeted the group of adolescents. His conventional yet comforting appearance immediately gave me a sense of assurance in a crowd of strangers. As he addressed the student body with his assertive tone and several uproarious personal anecdotes, such as the eating of a spider alive, Ryan seized the attention of every single audience with his inspirational messages. I was profoundly stirred by his words, in particular, his message concerning chasing after the expectations of others. During the next few days of camp, I excitedly arrived at the worship hall, hungrily anticipating for more meaningful life lessons and bizarre narratives. On the last night before the campers returned to their stressful and hectic lives, many campers shed tears as Ryan recapitulated his messages and spoke the last time. During the sharing session, numerous campers spoke of their personal thoughts and the impact that Ryan’s messages had on them. I was not the most adept orator, but I felt the need to express myself in front of my peers. Ryan was just an ordinary person, yet he was able to influence so many teenagers just in four days, receiving praise and gratitude for what he had done for the campers. I felt no regret for coming to Camp Challenge because I comprehended a precious life lesson. I do not need to meet the expectations of others with my ostentatious and fake character. Being I was worthy enough to be acknowledged by my peers. Detaching the superficial shell of false personality was a gradual and tedious process. Reestablishing my individuality with a blank tablet with no blemishes was impractical. The fake impressions that I gave my peers in the past several years was still an obstacle that mired my recovery. However, the results of my transformation were quite promising as I learned to intermingle with many more people with my own distinctive personality. Once I was perplexed and baffled by how to fit in the crowd, but no I found self-identity after relating to Ryan’s analogous ordinary yet influential persona. I no longer worry about changing myself to be accepted by others. With this new healthful mentality, my personality will not change under the influence of my surroundings.

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3 Responses so far.

  1. beeswings says:


  2. unbeard says:

    >i made an incorrect choicewhat incorrect choice did you make? be specific within that sentenceyour intro sentence is about how timidity can be misconstrued as arrogance. You don’t really explain how. you touch on that topic a little later in the essay but it isn’t important enough for you to open with it. you should also expand on that point later in the essay.next, you describe no interpersonal relations between you and Ryan. >I comprehended (awkward)instead of talking about how good Ryan was at speaking, talk about what he said or did that made you realize the importance of being yourself. again, be specific.>precious life lesson. I do notshould be precious life lesson: I don’t>Being I was worthy enough to be acknowledged by my peers. rework this sentence. also, isn’t your whole paper about how you shouldn’t strive for acknowledgement just for acknowledgement’s sake? maybe you should scratch the entire sentence.OVERALL: lay off the thesaurus. You don’t need so many adjectives and adverbs. It’s hindering the paper’s flow. your english teacher might be impressed by it but it’s not good writing.here’s some examples.>Having had some exposure to western-style entertainment and gastronomic delightsHaving been previously exposed to Western entertainment and culture> Once I was perplexed and baffled by how to fit in the crowd, but no I found self-identity after relating to Ryan’s analogous ordinary yet influential personaBefore, I had been baffled trying to fit into the crowd, but now I had found my own self-identity by relating to Ryan’s ordinary and yet influential persona.Mechanics of the paper is ok. sometimes you use an adjective that makes sense but doesn’t do your sentence justice. it’s a good essay overall. I’d give it a B- after you fixed some of the errors, focused your essay, and improved your diction.

  3. filtnam says:

    I thought it was pretty good, but I’m only junior and I have no idea what the essays are suposed to be about and what the requirements are… but I would give it a 8/10